SHOW UP TO THINGS

A lot of people didn't show up. A lot of people don't show up. A lot of people will never show up.


I want to be the person that shows up, I want to be the person that's reliable, and I haven't been able to be that lately. I think it's because I've been putting other people first for far too long. I've been being what everyone else wants to be instead of what I am and what I want to be.

I want to be a creative genius, unmatchable on all levels. I want to be able to see things that other people can't, because the creative space is an extension to my body, and I know it better than anyone else.

I used to be in a position where I could have an (out of body experience) in relation to my work. I used to be able to view it bird's-eye style and know how well it functioned as a piece, or would hold up in exhibition without having to guess, or worry about it. Perhaps I have gained experience or knowledge that allows me to see the flaws in my work. Perhaps I've adapted a negative insight into things that means I cannot appreciate them as much as I used to. However, I cannot explore as freely or as diligently as I was once able to; I've hit a wall and need to find a way to climb over it. Perhaps I need to go back a few steps to pick up the ladder I left behind somewhere.

The internet was only invented about fifteen years ago. It was an idea pioneered to allow scientists to transmit data instantaneously across the world; experiments were not duplicated but added to and improved on. Results could be shared and checked across continents. It was revolutionary.

Now the internet is used for the likes of social media and pointlessness. People spend more time online than the do in reality. (she says, writing a blog post).

People are so concerned with how to work within the system(relatable to the number of followers, for example) that they forget what exists outside of the system(making themselves valuable on physical and intellectual merits rather than media merits).

I've never known what I wanted and I don't think I will for a long time. However I need to stop making the people around me happy and focus on myself.

In the physical world, I can't keep up with current affairs. I've never left the country by myself. I can't manage my money. I know exactly how and what I should consume, but I never seem to be able to bring myself to consume it.

Writing this has made me realise that I don't know a lot. I don't know why I live the way I live.

I'm far too comfortable in my house, In my room, surrounded by my things.

So comfortable in fact, that I'm a little restless and stir crazy and ready to run out of the country as soon as I can and begin a life where I don't have to wake up in the same bed every day bar the two week holiday I get in the summer...







This post was written in December 2016 and never published... Looking back at it I'm glad I didn't, but it's a great reflection piece in hindsight.